***

During the month of October I will post a photo every day honoring the babies I have photographed that have passed far too soon and for those of you who have experienced a loss.  Some of you may know, I am also a photographer affiliated with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. (NILMDTS)  I also offer bereavement photography on my own at no cost for those who have suffered the loss of their sweet baby. To me, photographs are essential. I have heard people say “Why would someone want photos of this” I probably have thousands and thousands of photos of my children, what if you didn’t have those? What if you didn’t have a single photo to remember ever little detail of your childs face? Or every wrinkle in his skin? Sometimes the photographs I take are the only photos a family will have of their child. I have witnessed a baby take her first and last breath. I have watched a baby being taken off of life support multiple times. I have held a lifeless newborn. I have kissed her head.I have seen a stillborn. I have photographed a baby as early as 18 weeks gestation. I have watched a family grieve an extreme sense of loss. The last baby I photographed was stillborn. He had passed inside his mommas womb. This was such a hard one for me. They all are. Really, for lack of better words, they are all SO hard to watch. But this one was a birth client of mine who I have  photographed so many milestones for them. I photographed their last birth, so after two healthy babies, I assumed I’d see them welcome their first son in a few months. No one expects this. That’s the scary thing. I don’t want to write this blog to scare any pregnant moms out there. I don’t want to make those who are trying to become pregnant nervous. Trust me, I know how nerve wracking it is. I know what it’s like to wonder if  your baby is still alive inside of you. I write this in honor of those who have suffered in silence. I don’t want it to disturb anyone. I want to show the faces of babies who have passed and not worry about if someone will become “offended.” WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU BE OFFENDED? A babies first and last portrait is completely worthy of sharing.  Their sweet face will never be seen again. Their family will never get to watch them grow up or watch their daughter dancing on stage at her recital or watch their sons first time playing baseball. Their story SHOULD BE TOLD. I just think to myself, wow. This mommy came into this hospital still pregnant. She is leaving this hospital with an empty womb. Feeling empty has never had a more truer meaning.

Some say, “I don’t know how you do it.” Sometimes I think, “man this is rough, I don’t know how I do it either” But honestly, it’s not about me. I have told myself this over and over again. I get nervous before as I do any birth, I don’t know what to expect. It is no different when I walk in to see a lifeless newborn who didn’t get the chance to live life. My heart is heavy as I write this.

Not everyone has experienced a loss. But I bet you know someone who has. Rather it was miscarriage, stillborn or the loss of an infant. I know it’s hard to find the words to say. As a matter of fact, you don’t have to say anything at all. Just be there. Speak their child’s name.

1 in 4 women will experience a loss. That is HUGE.

“When someone is going through a storm, your silent presence is more powerful than a million empty words”

Some of the images I have taken as a photographer with NILMDTS, cannot be shared. Obviously, for privacy and respect of the families. As I do realize these images may be “hard” for you to look at, please remember, these images are the only images Sawyers family will have to remember his facial features, or his tiny hands, or his head full of hair. Also, this blog is LONG. Please take the time to read all the way through. Let it sink it. I appreciate all of you who will take the time to meet “my” babies.

*

My first little guy I want you to meet is Sawyer Nathaniel.

May 21st 2014.

Born at 9:00am

Passed away at 10:15am.

3lbs. 15 ounces.

<3

Heading back to the OR…

You are always in our hearts Sawyer. Always.

***

Most of you that follow me have “met” Eliana. Eliana had trisomy 18. She lived a short but inspiring 16 weeks. Every Friday, I visited her at Childrens Hospital for a weekly photo session. Her Mom and I had fun dressing her up each week. I loved watching her grow. I will say, my Fridays haven’t been the same since.

Eliana lived 117 days with Trisomy 18 & Congenital Heart Disease.  Eliana was born on December 5th, 2014 at 33 weeks gestation. On top of the issues due to her prematurity, she has also been diagnosed with Trisomy 18 and many complex heart diseases. These heart (& lung) defects include: a small PDA, a large VSD, severe Mirtal Valve Stenosis, Partial Anomalous Venous Return, 2 small diaphragmatic hernias and Pulmonary Hypertension.

Below is the day we said our “see ya laters” to Eliana.

Eliana passed away April 1st 2015.

Always in our hearts Eliana. We love you!

***

In honor of every baby I have photographed that left this earth too soon….

In honor of baby H. Taken off of life support shortly after meeting him.

In honor of baby F.

(If you didn’t know, when someone is suffering a loss in Labor and Delivery, these small photos are placed on the door of their hospital room. If you happen to see one of these, stop and pray. Just a small quick prayer for the family on the other side of these walls.)

In honor of baby Asher… Born still at 18 weeks. <3

2.5 ounces, 6.25 inches long. 10 perfect fingers and toes.

September 16th 2015 at 3:45am

In honor of baby F.

 In honor of Baby Annabella <3

On November 20, 2014, baby Annabella was born at 26 weeks, weighing 1lb, measuring 10 inches long. She fought hard but just 7 short weeks after she was born, God called his little angel home.

In honor of Baby Sawyer.

In honor of Baby Annabella…

In honor of baby A.

(I love the quote above. I was so nervous to ask these mommas to share a few photos, I didn’t want to upset them, or hurt them in anyway but I think it’s important for our little corner of the world to meet these babies. Little did I know, one mommy said to me “I am so honored. This makes me so happy, I can’t wait to see the my baby and for the world to meet him.” I am so glad I asked. Big hugs momma)

In honor of baby H.

In honor of Baby H.

In honor of baby K.

In honor of baby A.

In honor of baby I.

In honor of baby F.

In honor of baby Eliana.

In honor of baby C.

<3

That’s all for now <3

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